Gone to His Head

Dear Cosette

I am frequently described as exceptionally pretty. Many men are interested in me, but I am still in love with a fellow I was going with until he broke up with me. He was never considered very attractive to girls, as he is considered nerdy. However, after dating me, he suddenly became popular with women. I suspect that his sudden appeal stems from the fact that we were a couple or because I got him to update his wardrobe and hair style. I also taught him to dance and how to be cool. I think he still loves me, but just doesn't realize it because of all the attention he is now getting from other girls. I call him almost every day letting him know I still care. However, he doesn't even take my calls, anymore. What should I do? I can't stop thinking about him. I am convinced that he will return someday.

Heart broken in Ohio
Diane
​
Dear Diane,
​
The pain you are feeling right now likely has less to do with genuine heartbreak and more to do with your feeling of betrayal. After all, you gave this guy a chance when no one else did, and this is how your kindness is repaid? Also, as you are very pretty with plenty of other male attention, you are not used to rejection. If you were rejected more frequently then this individual's withdrawal would matter less. Honestly, I think you are wasting your time with this former dork. Sure, he may be more appealing to women now that he is experienced and has all the affectations of sophistication. However, deep down he is lacking in character given that he has allowed this new found female attention to go to his head. If anything, the fact that you continue to call him and pine over him, is continuing to feed his ego, makin him more confident and appealing to other women. It is also draining your confidence and making you insecure, thus repelling better men away. You need to get away from your town for a while, and spend some time cultivating new interests that have nothing to do with men. If you can't leave, then focus your attention on hobbies or other men. When you stop giving your ex so much attention as he doesn't deserve it or you.

Heartbroken

Dear Cosette,
​
I am a divorced, single mom of two beautiful children: a son, age 11, and a daughter age 9. I am age 34. I work at the mall as a store manager in the suburbs of Chicago where I grew up before attending University of Illinois. The father of my children is an unemployed loser who doesn't pay child support. I have been in a "relationship" with a new guy for the past three years. Todd lives with me, but doesn't pay rent. He doesn't actually hold down a job. Instead, he goes out all the time, late at night. What really upsets me is that when I call him, he doesn't call me back right away. I get really paranoid because every single boyfriend I have ever had, has cheated on me. Most recently, I discovered that Todd has joined a dating site. Ironically, that is where we both met. I Todd Jason and he admits that he is looking for a new girlfriend. I don't know what to do. I love Todd so much and he is great with my children.
​
Regards,
Becca,
​
Dear Becca,
​
It seems that you have a history of bad relationships with men who do not meet your needs. In order for a man to love you, you must learn to love yourself. Break up with Todd and make him move out of your house. He offers you nothing. He is not paying rent and is cheating on you. In fact, he could be a danger to your children. You need to spend some time learning to understand why you love men who don't love you back.  Then, you should try to start dating other men. But, please, change your search criteria and standards. Only date men who are responsible and employed. Get to know these men and their character better before rushing into the relationship so fast and make sure they are committed to you before you are committed to them.

Job Frustation

Dear Cossette

I quit my job, here, in San Jose, about a year ago. I had been working as a manager at Target for almost five years and was very unhappy with the company and their treatment of me. I have applied for jobs almost everywhere.  I have sent my resume to everyone and every organization and company that I can. I have also asked my many friends, 1,500, on FB to help me get a job because I am now really desperate, having health issues. I'm a 45 year old male, single, with no dependents but I can't continue to live on unemployment much longer. Although my employers were really lousy, they did consent to allow me to collect by saying I was laid off rather than having quit. If I continue to be unemployed I fear I may have to leave California and move back home with my aging parents in Detroit, which I don't want to do. Can you please help me get a job?

Tom
SJ, Calif.

Dear Tom,

I am sorry to hear about your job frustration.  However, I think that your approach is only adding to your stress.  It is important to network.  However, telling your 1,500 friends on Facebook that you are desperate is not the best approach.  Unfortunately, employers and even your friends are less inclined to help someone who is 'desperate.'  It would have been best if you had sought a new job while you were still employed.  Now, that you are unemployed, this will be an uphill value.  Second, Facebook is a social-networking site intended for non-professional purposes.  I suggest that you join LinkedIn and also start attending various job-networking events.  Applying to jobs by sending ones resume is often ineffective because in today's competitive job market, employers are inundated with resumes that they don't have time to read.  You might have better luck by meeting potential employers in person.  But, I would avoid stressing that you are desperate.